Allow a year or more to pass before remarrying or moving in with a new partner. This helps the children recover enough from a divorce to more easily accept a step-parent.
If you are planning to remarry or live with a new partner, give the children a couple of months at least to know about the plans. Have a discussion with your children about any concerns they may be having about living with the new person. Also, lay down some ground rules for children so they know what to expect during this change. Children usually perceive divorce as a surprise (even when the parents are in tremendous conflict) and don't want to be surprised again. This is especially true for children 6 and older.
If you have changed your lifestyle because of your relationship with your new partner, resist the urge to "put down" the parent who has not changed. Bad mouthing the other parent is harmful to children. Allow the children to make their own decisions based on parent’s behaviors/actions towards his/her children.
It is important for step-parents to take an active role in parenting their step children. Natural parents and step-parents must agree upon discipline/child rearing practices. The natural parent should give authority for the step-parent to discipline and reward the children. Children dislike step-parents who stay distant, having a relationship with their parent, but not with them. Uninvolved step-parenting is a major source of conflict leading to remarriage failures.
Accept that children may be "off and on" in their relationship with a step-parent. They may feel like they are betraying the natural parent causing them to be cold to a step-parent, especially around transition times to the other parent's household.
Don't force children to call a stepparent "Mom" or "Dad.” Make sure you discuss this with the step-parent and the child. Allow the child and step-parent to come to an agreement on which name is more comfortable for them. Children may flip-flop between using a first name and "Mom/Dad." If the children and step-parent choose the "Mom/Dad" label, be sure to tell the corresponding natural parent BEFOREHAND!! This can be very upsetting, and create more conflict, when a natural parent discovers that their child calls a step-parent the same as themselves.
Step-parents should reach out to meet and develop a respectful and healthy relationship with their spouse. Children benefit when they see pleasant interactions among all parent figures. Children often model their parents’ relationships later on in life. If a child is used to seeing constant yelling, screaming, violence, etc. between parents they may think all relationships are supposed to be like this and will often fall into this unhealthy cycle.
And remember, the addition of a step-parent is just that, an addition, not a new relationship which must tarnish or diminish the relationships already existing between natural parents (in or out of the home) and children. Step-parents are often excellent resources for children who continue to love and enjoy time with their natural parents. Many children grow up having great relationships with two parents and two step-parents.
Resource: Dr. Zieman is an Albuquerque, NM psychologist specializing in the evaluation of family, child, and school problems such as child custody, adoptions, learning disabilities, and ADD.